4 DANGERS OF UNRESTRAINED COMPARISON

CASE STUDY 1

Flash back August 2012, Mrs. D. charged into my office, she was so upset, I could almost feel the anger seethe through her  pores.  “Mrs. Ibitayo, I don’t know what spell you have cast on my husband, but it won’t work on me”.  She continued in the same rage, “My daughter will travel abroad to pursue her degree programme.” At this point, I tried to cut in by explaining to her that though academically brilliant, I didn’t think her daughter was quite ready to be away from home. She cut in, wagging her finger at me this time, “What do you mean that she is not matured enough to travel abroad?  Didn’t her brother leave Nigeria at the same age and see how well he turned”.   

January 2015, Mrs. D’s daughter is back in Nigeria undergoing treatment from depression/drug related issue.

CASE STUDY 2

Amanda (not her real name), was beside herself as she gazed adoringly at the couple seated two tables from us. “Ah!  My sister, if only God could give me a man just like Tunde”.  She sighed in resignation, “It will at least put an end to this miserable life of loneliness” .  Amanda sneered as she continued, “His wife is not warm at all, she’s always frowning. “Sister mi, why would any woman be sad around a fine guy like Tunde?” I  shook my head  with a wistful look in my eyes as  I sipped my drink. In my head, I recount the physical abuse Tunde’s wife is going through, I sigh as I recall the lonely nights she spends in bed because her husband is involved with another woman. Tunde’s wife happens to be going through counseling classes in her bid to save her marriage because Tunde is an absentee husband. His wife reads about  him more on his social media  platforms.

Just like the two cases mentioned above, I’ve found myself comparing different aspects of my life at some point… I’ve compared my husband, compared my children,  compared my gifting, compared my job, possessions…

A lot of times, I’ve found myself taking decisions based on my perception of the issues at hand.

80 % of the times I got into a lot of trouble and biiiiig time too.

Please don’t getme wrong, comparison is good as it adds spice to our boring lives but when it becomes UNRESTRAINED,  it can be dangerous as it could lead to harm

Go with me as I share the dangers we expose ourselves  to in our desire to prefer the Jones.

1. DERAILS YOU FROM GOD’S ORIGINAL PLAN

We are designed differently to fulfil specific goals. That means each person is powered by the Manufacturer to be effective for that which we are designed for. The engine capacity of cars used in races are more intense because of the function they are required to perform.

Many of us veer off the path we should tread because we are busy wanting to be like someone else. We forget that the Manufacturer ‘made‘ us with purpose in mind.

At a point in my life, most of my friends were high flying business women.

I would watch them, listen to them and compare my boring teaching job to the excitement of what I saw them do. I’d counsel myself that I could do same (if not better). So yours truly convinced her Mr. I. that she was being “led” to do business of buying and selling… so, Mr. I. provided capital and I became a high flyer. The initial thrill of travelling soon wore off when I found myself trying to devise means to beat Customs… I became miserable because I felt trapped in my highbrow shop because it wasn’t where I wanted to be..I wasn’t wired to sit still… I spent two miserable years of my life  trying to fulfill  purpose I wasn’t designed for. By the time I came back to my senses, my colleagues in the education sector had gone ahead of me. I didn’t have anyone but myself to blame..

Most of us due to unrestrained comparison, veer of our original paths in life.

We are wired like Usain Bolt to do 100 meter dash but by comparing ourselves to others, we are competing in the 10,000 meter race… Doing what we weren’t designed for..

We are wired to be fishes and we are trying to fly.

Many marriages have broken up because of attempt to make our spouses like the next person.

Many children have had their destinies truncated by their parents due to comparison.

Many have chosen wrong career paths  for this reason.

Some have  married wrongly due to unrestrained comparison…The list is endless.

STOP!!!! Ask yourself if this really is the path you are designed for .

PAUSE!!!! Are you living your life or someone else’s????

Many have lost their real identity because they strive to be like someone else.

You are who God designed you to be!

2. BREEDS ENVY/JEALOUSY

Envy: resentful desire of something possessed by another.

Jealousy: feeling resentful desire of something or  someone because you feel he has an advantage over you.

Most interpersonal  problems is as  a result  of unrestrained  comparison.

We focus on comparing ourselves with others and when we can’t match them, we become bitter, envious or jealous.

We feel like we deserve what others have more than those who possess them.

You will always criticise,  condemn and disdain what such people have.

Because you  can’t see any justification  why X should be so blessed, you just detest him.

Why can’t my husband spoil me silly like my neighbour spoils his wife?

Why should someone who messed up in school have children over you who was chaste till marriage?

Why is it only Mr. A’s children who are doing well in school?

How could a semi-illiterate like Mr. Moon have such an intelligent wife?

It becomes a case of if you can’t have it, then nobody else deserves it either .

3. YOU DON’T HAVE THE COMPLETE PICTURE.

We erroneously measure people’s worth based on performance and achievements…. Pooh!!!

There’s are two types of people I’ve met..

The first type are those who worked hard and smart to succeed.

We go around ‘claiming’ cars and houses not bearing in mind that the owners sacrificed to achieve what you see… The toils, endless nights of hard work.. We see the blessings, but you do not know about the struggles they faced to aquire all that you see.

Oh, what about the second group that can’t come clean on their achievement stories?

The unsavory deals  cut? The wealth gotten in ways you don’t want to imagine.

It’s dangerous because that ‘nice looking got it all together babe’ could be in an abusive marriage, the children you so want yours to be like may be up to vices that their parents spend endless nights groaning in prayer over, that business you so covet could be on brink of bankruptcy.

Life is all about packaging.  We are all so wrapped up nicely on the outside so it’s difficult to see what’s on the INSIDE

Appearances can be deceptive. People you are comparing yourself to  only allow you to see what’s enviable.

So, how can you keep comparing yourself blindly?  Check through scripture, even after God had rejected Saul as king, people still referred to him as ‘your majesty’.

No success story is a success  without the full story.

Most testimonies shared are edited because the testifiers cannot tell it all.

That seemingly well-paying job is probably robbing a family of joy

Stop going round wishing for what others have without knowledge of the complete story.

4. ROBS YOU OF JOY AND A THANKFUL HEART

You can’t be joyful if you spend your life comparing yourself to the next person.

Why? You are so busy counting other people’s blessings that you don’t even have time to see yours.

Theodore Roosevelt says “Comparison is a thief of joy.

I say it’s a thief of life because a joyless person is a lifeless person.

Such people never see anything good about life.

You get discouraged by the disparity you see

You spend the better part of your life complaining and grumbling.

Don’t you know that the very things you despise in your life is someone else’s desire?

Don’t you know just how many people would give anything to be in your shoes?

Take our case study, Tunde’s wife must be wishing she could be like Amanda who has a chance to pick right, yet Amanda is joyless comparing herself to Tunde’s wife….hmmm, irony of life!

SOLUTION

FOCUS ON JESUS! Hebrews 12 :2-4

• He knows what He designed  you for. Jeremiah 1:5
• He knows what is good for you and when you can handle it…His way is perfect. Ecclesiastes 3:11; 2 Samuel 22:31
• He only can give true joy. Nehemiah 8:10; 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
• His word (Bible), is full of promises to reassure you in your low moments. 2 Corinthians 1:20
• He will stand as judge…you are accountable to Him, so be careful what you think. 1 Samuel 2:3; 2 Corinthians 10:17-18

Shalom!!!

– BISI IBITAYO